I've Got My Mind Set On You

People are meaning making machines. They will either draw meaning from their failures in life or from their successes.

This can also be described as Mindset. Either a Fixed Mindset or a Growth Mindset.

The Fixed Mindset is the most troublesome. You can define yourself and abilities with labels and excuses while rationalizing that you are actually being aware of the reality of your limitations.

These limiting beliefs go on to create issues in your life as they set out patterns of behavior which is how most people end up going into therapy ...  they have a crisis of some sort brought on by the patterns of their limited beliefs.

A Fixed Mindset isn't a 100% negative thing. Many of the world's greatest successes have it. It's only negative when it impacts your life in a bad way.

Fixed Mindset people are too hard on themselves. If they fail at something straight away they may never do that thing ever again. Those Fixed Mindset people at the top of their game also have difficulties due to the pressure they feel. They feel obligated to be the best.

People with a Fixed Mindset will use labels as excuses to not try in case they fail.

CEO's with a Fixed Mindset will often take the safe easy no risk win in order to get the adulation they need to maintain the illusion of being the best. Probably why there are so many movie sequels.

The main problem with a Fixed Mindset is that when you realistically examine your abilities you are probably underestimating yourself and will not reach your full potential.

Some Fixed Mindset people may be classed as genius but don't adapt or change their skills and often blame others or the type of saw dust they use for their hands when they fail. 

The good news for Fixed Mindset people is that you don't have to be defined by your childhood or life experiences, you can be better.
Neuroplasticity, also known as Brain Plasticity. The ability the brain has to change throughout a person's life time.

Just by knowing there are two types of mindset and that you have the choice of how to think is empowering. 

'Jack grew up with emotionally distant parents that didn't value him or showed him any kind of affection.'

Jack can go onto to believe that he isn't deserving of it and will continue the cycle with his children. Jack's low self-esteem and Fixed Mindset that was forced upon him from birth was a strong factor in his life but what other people put onto him was underestimating him greatly. 

He decided he didn't want to damage a child the way he'd been damaged and so learned from his childhood and did the things his parents did not do. He developed a growth mindset without even knowing what he was doing. 

You can have a Fixed Mindset and a Growth Mindset at the same time. By knowing how you are thinking about certain things you can decide what Mindset you want to go with.  

People's thinking and belief system their core, is not set in stone. 

A Growth Mindset is merely being open to a different way of looking at things. Instead of goal related thinking it's the learning and experience that matters. You may not have won the game but you can be satisfied that you did your best and gained experience for the next time. 

It's a 'just glad to be a part of the team' or 'it's an honor to be nominated' way of thinking and to mean it.   

A world class tennis player that thinks he's the best because he's been  # 1 for four years should be looking at how to be better to someday in order be the best, not just the best because everyone says so. 

There are always others that put more effort into learning and growing, they knock the crown off the champion's huge head while he cries about the ball being on the line. 

Effort and learning builds character. Character can often win over skill if the person with the skill isn't in the right frame of mind. When the pressure to succeed gets too great they fold. 

Growth Mindset people don't draw meaning or value from their failures, a low test score or a bum note on their guitar means that they still have work to do and by being open to the challenge they can do better. 

They still get depression and anxiety but have a better chance of over coming it because they do not let it define who they are. 

       

Suicide Isn't Painless

A person said how they blamed themselves for the suicidal death of their CNUT. They did the usual 'I should have ____' and 'if only I had ____' which is understandable as that is a means to avoid the pain of the event.

Even the Foo Fighters did a song about Kurt Cobain called, 'I should have known.' You get to fill in your own blanks.

Cobain put a hatred of people (hurting him too much) and not feeling a passion for music as the main reasons to kill himself. He thought his wife and child would be happier without him.

Ian Curtis of Joy Division cited reaching his musical pinnacle for his suicide. He had affairs, an impending divorce, anxiety and epilepsy going on and was on the eve of a US tour.   

We look back with a term known as Hindsight Bias. Somehow, now that we know the outcome of events we somehow think that we could have or should have predicted them. If you didn't see it at the time then you probably weren't ready to see it.

People do have their own lives and problems to tend to. Then you get the drama queens that always seem to need attention and have been suicidal for the past 30 years. 

With hindsight we fool ourselves that we have control over lives with this extra after the fact insight but as you should know, control is an illusion. You can think of 14000605 futures and still miss something really obvious. Plot twist, you just don't know everything.

Look how long it took Phil Connors to get things right in Groundhog day.

By nature CNUT's are usually cowards. If they attempt to kill themselves then it's a show. If they do kill themselves then they messed up the show.

10% of suicides are a choice. It's THEIR choice and unless you are evil and constantly work on someone with low self-worth and talk them into it, you can't just make another person kill themselves.

90% of suicides are by people that have a diagnosed mental illness or have suffered a severe trauma.

It is not your fault, nor is it the Victim's fault. So many things probably came together to give this person the tunnel vision that made them think that suicide was the only viable option.

The world or their family being better off without them. Of course they don't consult their family and if they did they just would refuse to believe what they heard.

Was you not returning their text or phone call the last straw? Well in that case it could have been a bad hair day or a parking ticket instead. It could have been anything.

Their have been CNUT's that leave a note blaming someone that they had spent years trying to manipulate. The ultimate CNUT mind game. Lets give those dead losers a slow hand clap.

A CNUT won't think twice about destroying their children's lives if it means they win in some kind of twisted way. 

You can do things to help someone who is suicidal. Be there for them, give them understanding. Remove any guns from the home, put them in touch with a professional that can help.

Even if you did everything you could, if a person really wants to kill themselves they will do it.

People will assign themselves blame but it is misplaced. There is never one reason or one person to blame. You might as well blame yourself about the rain, that makes just as much sense.

    

   

Plato's Cave

There was once a community of people that lived imprisoned in a cave. For all their lives they sat chained up just staring at a blank cave wall.

The prisoners could not see what was behind them, just what was in front. Behind them was a walk way and a ledge with a fire. People would walk back and forth carrying objects that would cast shadows onto the blank cave wall.

The prisoners would see these flickering reflections of weird shapes and beasts, the voices of the people echoed off the walls and so the prisoners assumed the sounds came from the shadows.   

After years of this, one of the Prisoners 'Jeff' noticed his chains were loose. He wriggled and was soon free of them. Being the first time in his life not in chains he took a while to adjust then he eventually got the courage to look behind him.

He saw the fire and these CNUT's walking back and forth. Upon being noticed the CNUT's grabbed Jeff and threw him out of the cave.

Jeff was sure having a rough day. He could barely see as the sun was so bright but when his eyes grew accustomed to the light settled he saw trees, rivers, grass, sky and of course a Starbucks. He saw that people dressed differently and behaved differently so he endeavored to fit in and even set of a Twitter account gaining at least 214 followers. Not all of them bots and people with podcasts or trying to sell something either.

After a while of experiencing this new life he remembered his beginnings. He recalled all his friends chained up and looking at the wall. He could never go back to that meager existence, the Internet was after all full of free porn.

Jeff put on some beard oil, waxed his mustache and grabbed his man bag. He set off for the cave.

He carefully sneaked past the CNUT's and found the prisoners. He told them about the shadows and the fire, he told them about the wonders of the outside world such as bacon.

The prisoners who hadn't known any other life refused to believe him and called him insane. Being inside the cave again meant that Jeff had gone blind and unable to see in the near darkness. This led the prisoners to believe that being thrown out of the cave made you go blind and from that point on killed any CNUT that tried to banish them.

Jeff now run a vegan shoe shop in Oregon with his partner Starlight.

You may want to share your knowledge and experience with others but you have to understand that not everyone will be ready or at that point in their life to hear what you have to say.         

Also that there are CNUT's everywhere, even in caves.         

A Psychopath Is Born

Plenty of People have asked, "what traumatic event made their CNUT partner/relative/friend/co-worker a CNUT in the first place?" 

The traumatic event was having emotionally distant parents. Not very dramatic huh? We forget that babies see things on a different more confusing level than us. They have not learned any coping strategies or have any previous frame of reference.

A parent smiles at them and the baby smiles back, then sometimes the tired parent doesn't smile. The baby cries and gets lifted then the parent who is lying in bed depressed ignores the baby. So many mixed signals for the baby. The infants are growing neural pathways and trying to learn from their caregiver. If those pathways don't form correctly, the baby goes on to become an insecure child. Then to become an adult with a deep sense of shame and a feeling of being defective. They don't even know why.

So yes, you can blame the parents.

My ex "Tanya" and her brother "Craig" are perfect examples. Their parents had Tanya first while they were concentrating on building their business, she was looked after by her aunt a lot. Her parents were emotionally distant when they were around, Tanya was expected to 'step up' even as a 4 year-old.
She got great grades but it never got their praise or attention. When Craig came along he got all the praise and attention because he was to carry on their precious surname. (plot twist, he had 3 girls before getting the snip) Craig acted up and got into trouble but got a free pass from his mom. Tanya even let her grades slide and led a secret partying life as a teenage. Nothing she did mattered. 

Tanya had deep rooted shame at probably not being born a male and that nothing she did was good enough. No consistency with care giving. Her parents had a sense of entitlement and thought themselves better than others with their big million dollar business. (it was the 80's) That entitlement was passed on to their children.

Craig always new he could get bad grades, act up and get away with it as his mom treated him as a golden child. The father who disliked not being the center of attention removed bedroom doors and duct taped Craig's mouth.

The father was too concerned about himself and smoked like a train despite Tanya's serious asthma.

You can go further back and look at the emotionally distant parents of the parents and those that randomly spoil kids.

It's a rolling snowball of family toxicity.

There isn't just one event. There doesn't have to be physical or sexual abuse to make a CNUT, or to make the placid victim child. In these families you tend to either get a CNUT child or a people pleaser with no boundaries that knows their place. In this family they raised 2 competing CNUT's.

CNUT's and people pleasers are on a spectrum of damage and issues.

Then you have toxic relationships romanticized by society. Be it an ego fueled power struggle between singers or some pervy prince going around kissing hot chicks while they sleep.

It's amazing how many people believe that love ... true love has a happy ever after. Once you get it you are done. Love has to be worked on constantly and re-accessed. The same with trust.   

Social media and the 50 million selfies. It's a platform to tell you that being a narcissist is acceptable. Look at all those losers, I'm bringing joy to their lives with my duck face.

Remember, Psychopaths are born, it's a proven medical condition. Narcissists, Sociopaths and CNUT's in general are crafted and made by their early environment. That's a choice but since they make their own realities they don't see it that way. In their minds there always has to be winners and losers and they will not be the loser. 

How To Heal

No matter what your relationship was to a CNUT, if it was sustained over a long period of then the chances are you might have a form of PTSD. Yes you do not have to be John Rambo to get it. If you are constantly on alert from some threat and find it hard to feel safe then you'll have the same emotional reaction.

Some call the PTSD from a relationship Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or even Post-Traumatic Relationship Syndrome. However there are also some that dismiss CPTSD and PTRS. The reason for the suggested difference is how people respond to the relationship trauma such as they don't usually use avoidance as in angrily claming up and refusing to discuss it.

I've had PTSD from stressful, violent events in my life and PTSD from my relationship. Sure that ended in violence but it was only physically violent on the last night. 

My first lot of PTSD had me avoiding trashcans and cringing every time a car started as I thought 'bomb' but the second, while there were flashbacks was a more creeping dread feeling. I can compare it to Rick and Negan from The Walking Dead. Negan got into Rick's head and made him afraid by taking away his confidence and making him second guess himself.

To Rick during his vulnerable times, Negan was too powerful and Rick felt helpless.

I think the difference was because one wasn't personal. I was just someone in the wrong place and could have been anyone. The other was personal as you think you should be safe in the bed you've slept in for the last 6 years.

Whatever your trauma it will take time to get over it. Putting distance between any traumatic event is good but do not avoid it.   

These CNUT's may have made you feel worthless, stupid, ugly, fat. Your confidence may have taken a blow or if it was parents, perhaps you didn't think you ever had confidence or worth. 

We may feel angry and frustrated. Words and things others say seem to trigger us.

Being angry is a normal feeling, it can be a great motivator at times to strive to be better but anger at yourself is just doing the work of the CNUT .... they have turned you into a CNUT franchise. Get angry at that.

You may not have had closure or answers as to why they treated you this way.  You may never get answers. CNUT's lie, even when they don't have to. Closure is something you give yourself when you decide you are done with it and done with the hurt.

If words trigger you then you aren't ready for closure yet.

You may feel that you are to blame. You'll remember all the times you reacted poorly or may feel guilt over it and shame that you allowed another to treat you like this.

There is this thing called Reaction Abuse in which the target acts like the CNUT  in an aggressive way. Any CNUT worth their salt will use this to paint you as the abuser.

There wouldn't be a reaction if they hadn't have worn you down and abused you in the first place. It was self defense and those that do reaction abuse will revert back to normal when away from the CNUT. It really is them and not you.

A part of your PTSD will be anxiety and depression. There may also be a feeling of loneliness. Perhaps the CNUT isolated you over the years. Perhaps they didn't like your friends or created family rifts.
Just being away from someone you've been with for any length of time will take some adjusting. You have a new norm to create.

You may even feel a distrust of others and wonder if there are any decent people out there. If the CNUT was a partner you may wonder if you can ever love again? What if they are a CNUT too?

If you are not careful you could very well end up with another CNUT. Replacing a dead family pet with another doesn't take away the pain and dating someone else won't solve anything either. Especially if you are feeling vulnerable and not making the best of decisions.

If troubled by intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, bad dreams and the feeling that you are too tired to go on then go see a Doctor. There is no shame in it, you feel how you feel.

Sometimes therapy or medication or both can be what you need. Other times some self reflection and a kind soul to just listen will do the trick. Only you can know.

Just stop and breathe. You are away from their seemingly evil manufactured drama so make sure to stay away. If you are still in the manipulationship and unable to leave then you still have to take time for self care. Less contact is still the best thing though.

Remember who you are. If you are unsure of who you are then think who you want to be and make strides to be that person. Re-discover your strengths. The CNUT tried to make you feel like you were less ... you didn't 100% fall for it because deep down you know you are more.

The CNUT knew what buttons to press but they didn't know you and certainly didn't notice you grow. They only know how to trigger you because you trusted them with your heart and soul.

Sure it's horrible to be betrayed by someone you love or someone that was supposed to look out for you. Take this negative, toxic relationship and learn from it. That turns it into something positive.

Most growth comes from pain. I don't know who made that rule of life but I would like to kick them in the junk if they have any.

Take things more slowly. Don't be desperate to have another human connection. It is better to be alone than be with the wrong person. There is nothing lonelier than being alone in a relationship.

Work on healing yourself, work on getting joy and fulfillment from yourself rather than looking for it
from someone else.

Please do remember all the terrible times. I don't want you to just remember the few good times and go back to the CNUT.
Those good times were fake and nothing more than a dopamine rush for the CNUT. You might have been sincere but they weren't.

99.9% of times the CNUT will never change. That .1%  .... they are still a CNUT but now they hand you a bandage when they stab you in the back. Don't fool yourself that they are different just because they seem to be treating their new target well.

You weren't foolish or gullible to be with a CNUT for so long. The reason why CNUT's are so successful is that they are experts at lies and manipulation. If you weren't an open and honest person their tactics would not have worked on you.

Being open and honest is a strength, it's also a valuable commodity and rare these days so guard it. You'd only put your money into a safe bank so only put your trust into someone that is worthy of it.

You can heal by yourself or with others, just make sure you do heal and not replace with the instant gratification of a distraction. Here are some things to do to self heal.

Music, sport, gardening, walking, singing, yoga, massage, dance, meditation, alcohol in moderation, reading, movies, Netflix and chill, doing nothing, friends, being alone, arts and crafts, cooking, therapy, sex, your spiritual side, pets ... anything that gives you peace or that brings you joy.

Defense Mechanisms

Defense or coping mechanisms are tactics we use to get through a difficult time in life or to not feel or think about something as it causes us ambivalence or distress. Sometimes we just can't handle parts of reality or events that happen to us.

Defense Mechanisms are lies that we tell ourselves to avoid pain.

These lies may be good in the short term but if you use them long term you may end up doing yourself more damage than you would if you had faced your issues and worked through them.

It's like pulling the covers up over your head to defend yourself from the monster in your bedroom. That monster isn't going to go way just because you can't see it, it's going to go under your bed and grab your feet when you least expect it.

Freud set down a lot of what is known about modern day psychology. He wasn't just about penis envy, he did get many things right. Including defense mechanisms.

We have the conscious mind: This is what you are using now to read and click onto something more interesting like cat videos.

The the preconscious mind: Here is where you store your memories that you need to recall.

The unconscious mind: All the stuff that you don't need to keep handy is stored here. There are thoughts, memories and feelings but they've been put into really deep storage.

Usually if there is an intensely strong reaction to something then there is probably a defense mechanism at play. It is always helpful to stop and examine why you feel this way.

Repression: This defense mechanism is used to subdue those impulses, wants and desires that you don't like having, perhaps you believe they go against societal norms and there is a stigma associated to them. Or if it's a sexual trauma then you just want to avoid remembering it. They get dumped into the un-conscious mind and hidden as remembering them causes anxiety. It doesn't just happen, it needs a continual expenditure of mental effort to keep things repressed.

The main harm to doing this means that a person make lash out without realizing why or may exhibit passive aggressive behavior. 

Regression: When you feel anxious or under pressure you may revert to a time when you were younger and felt safe or with less responsibilities. Perhaps you suck your thumb, grab a security blanket or want your mammy to make you some soup like she used to do.

Denial: One of the much used classics. When reality becomes too threatening, you just avoid confronting it. Either by pretending it just doesn't exist or by replacing it with a better version of reality that suits your world view.

This takes continual effort to maintain as it is a constant opposite and the want to escape from having to face things you don't like.

My husband isn't cheating, I'll just use stain remover on this lipstick on his collar and not give it a second thought, la la la.

Reaction Formation: Is becoming the opposite to how you really think and feel. A classic example would the angry homophobe that can't accept that they are really gay. You also see this with politicians who run on a family values, anti-homosexual platform, just before pictures of them living it up in a gay bar they are a regular in comes out in the press. 

A smoker who quits goes on to be disgusted by even the smell of tobacco when once it was a thing of joy to them. They also now condemn smokers. 

Rationalization: Can be used to avoid disappointment, 'I didn't really want that job I applied for anyway' it can also be used to deflect blame or to make something less bad with a comparison. It is basically justification and bargaining to make ourselves or others feel better.

No one is perfect ... I'll have some cake now and do an extra 10 minutes of exercise tomorrow.

Displacement: Or why you always hurt the ones you love. The boss chews you out at work so in your frustration you go home and kick the cat or have an argument with someone more 'safer' like a partner in place of your boss. 

Projection: Is when you are criticizing others for something when in reality you are guilty of doing it. Sometimes it's to avoid ideas about ourselves that we don't like. For example, It's wrong to have any kind of attraction to someone that you are not married to. When you do notice an attractive person you feel shame and self-loathing and so try to give that shame to someone else. 

Those who project their feelings often have a sense of superiority and a smugness. Sometimes they don't even know what they are afraid of. It's all about giving your own shame to others. Some use their jobs to create laws to discriminate based on this projection. 

Intellectualization: A person that uses intellectualization are those who live in their heads a lot. Like all defense mechanisms if used long term it can become harmful. Soon those thoughts that helped distract you from the unpleasantness of life now seem out of control and you cannot turn them off.

In childhood perhaps a person didn't like to be small and weak, they wanted to grow up quickly, achieve more academically and not to be at the mercy of their emotions. They go on to feel as if they are imposters and have those dreams in which they are naked. 

They grew up on the outside but on the inside they are still that vulnerable child hiding behind an intellectual facade.   

Blocking: When you ask a person a question about something they don't want to talk about and they abruptly tell you they don't know or don't remember. It's like a human brick wall. 

There are many others like humor, disassociation, wishful thinking and withdrawal from events or interactions.  

Control is a big one. You feel helpless in life so you attempt to control those around you. Jealous partners, micro-managers and even hoarders who try to control their environment and those forced to live with their mess. 

Stealth Control is when someone appears helpless or even just procrastinates in the hope that someone will swoop in and do the deed or fix the problem. 

Idealization: You have the ambiguity of mixed emotions or conflicting attitudes so you see certain people in a way that is perfect and all good. Very often police and the military are idealized. They are heroes and if anyone says differently then they get much deserved scorn. 

With Idealization people become either all good or all bad. Our soldiers = good, their soldiers = bad.

A new romantic love is often put on a pedestal and you refuse to acknowledge any faults. When the shine of idealization wears off there is often resentment that this former perfect person now has flaws. How did that happen? Idealization often occurs during Love Bombing as mentioned in an earlier post. 

Splitting: When faced with opposing ideas that bring discomfort, we split into black and white

thinking. If the topic is too complex we split it down and make it more simple. Sometimes so simple it becomes a hashtag or slogan.

When you split you no longer perceive people as they really are. Look at the WWII propaganda posters or how early 19th century Irish immigrants in the US were portrayed in the press as almost ape-like. 

Splitting promotes the rigid them and us, either/or thinking that you often see in politics. 

Trauma Bonding

Being free from a toxic relationship, be it a partner, family member or even a work colleague or boss should be amazing and liberating.

No more walking on eggshells not knowing what will set them off or what version of them will you get that day. No more manufactured mind numbing drama.

If it was a long term connection with this person, you might have some healing to do first before you start to be happy again ... or even dare to be happy again. Is it safe to be happy?

You might feel like you miss them and prefer to remember the good things they did and the good times. Perhaps you still make excuses for them as you did throughout your relationship.

They were stressed.

They were worn down by illness.

They were abused or treated badly in the past.

It's too painful to think about the bad things and why be negative? Maybe you blame yourself for how they treated you. If you had only been better or more understanding.

You cannot make someone else abuse you, that's all on them. You can allow them to abuse you though. If you are an adult you always have the option to stand up to them, create boundaries or leave. Children and other vulnerable people can't leave. Those without jobs because they look after the kids can't just leave.

If you do get out and feel like you need or want your abuser then that's known as Trauma Bonding.

It's a coping mechanism - a defense mechanism to help you survive an abusive relationship.

You keep your head down, comply with the CNUT's wishes in the hopes they don't get set off in order for a quiet life or just one more rage free day.

You can compare it to Stockholm Syndrome. Being in a manipulationship with a CNUT might as well be a hostage situation with you as the captive.

You align yourself with the hostage taker, agree with their POV and try to empathize with them so they see you as less disposable. Your aim is to survive. You do their bidding in order to be useful.

If you do this for long enough it will become your new norm. While talking your captive into believing you are on their side you also talk yourself into it because you can't slip up. Too much depends on you being convincing.

Before you know it you've become almost a partner in crime. Sure you still get abused but the fear of even worse abuse keeps you rooting for Team CNUT.

Away from the hostage taker or CNUT you have to adjust from what your norm became. It is said that it takes 3 weeks of constantly doing something in order for it to become a habit. Changing your mindset goes a lot deeper.

Think about anything you've tried to give up, smoking, alcohol, drugs, unhealthy food, porn, reality TV shows.
 A manipulationship can be just as difficult. You know it'll eventually kill you and you'll hate yourself later but won't you feel better for just a moment? ... Who doesn't want to feel good?

We are not addicted to any of these things, we are addicted to how they make us feel. We forget that feelings are transient because we think we need them right then and there. Nothing else can help.

It takes time to get over Trauma Bonding. This is why they have de-radicalization camps for child soldiers and former ISIS fighters. It's a thing.

Away from the CNUT you need to not remember the good times, they were probably lies or they were a part of the CNUT's agenda. You need to remember how they made you feel, the dread the disrespect, the indifference every time you made an effort to please them.

Warts and all. Then you have to get angry. You are probably already angry at yourself for allowing them to treat you so poorly so get angry at the over all injustice instead. You deserve better, you deserve to be treated with respect.

You are kind, loyal, caring, compassionate, honest. You will go that extra mile to help others, you keep your word and enjoy seeing those you care about happy.

Most of all, you are strong! 

The CNUT made you forget all of the above, they made you question your self-worth. You actually felt like you deserved to be treated poorly on some level.

A CNUT is really good at using the strengths of decent people against them. A decent person (target) wouldn't lie so they naturally don't expect others to lie.

A CNUT can look into your eyes and say,"I love you" and no one would even consider it was a lie. When love is involved (even if it's one sided love) the trauma bonding goes deeper.

No Contact is the best way to deprogram yourself from a CNUT. Take time to rediscover yourself and to remember your truths.

Some people can't go no contact if they are financially tied together or have children. So you have to rediscover yourself while having as limited contact with the CNUT as you can have. Reduce the ways in which they can contact you and set up personal boundaries.

Boundaries are reminders that you deserve better. CNUT's will probe and even walk over your boundaries, stop them cold in their tracks by not allowing it. The only people that have a problem with boundaries are the people that want to trample them so they can disrespect you.

You deserve better, so demand you get it.
 

You're So Vain ... And Controlling

'Your hat strategically dipped below one eye, Your scarf, it was apricot, You had one eye on the mirror, And watched yourself gavotte.'

Toxic people come in all sorts of flavors. Narcissism seems to be taking the world by storm at the moment as when people become educated on the topic, they then begin to see them everywhere. Social media is all about YOU and do you really need 1000 selfies? You can't have changed that much in 12 hours. 

We all have narcissist traits. If we didn't would so many think that the duck face pose made them look good? It's sad to see the various silly poses the media steals from social media for those in news stories that unexpectedly die.

Freud called our traits healthy narcissism. You are confident of your abilities and even appearance. 

There can be healthy stress too such as when competing in sports. All these terms and others like depression and anxiety are clinical terms that we have hi-jacked without even knowing all the connotations involved. 

Like most things, narcissism is on a spectrum. You get the person that says, 'I'm funny and not that bad looking, I'll ask this person out, I have a shot' to 'I bet this person will never be asked out by someone of my caliber, it's a cert.'

The world in general only really knows the Overt Narcissist,  this is the over confident person from

such shows like Mad Men. 

Society applauds these individuals and so many are leaders and CEO's. They make sure to tell everyone how great they are and about their amazing life and successes. Even when nobody asks. 

Don't tell an Overt Narcissist that he shouldn't look at the sun. 

As well as bragging and embellishing, they outright lie like it's second nature. Even if the truth is easier they might just lie anyway. Very thin skinned they cannot take criticism.  It doesn't mesh well with their ego ... another vague term often used too. 

Being a narcissist doesn't seem that bad to them because they win. Even when they fail they will quite often re-tell the story to make it seem like a win. Overt Narcs are often attractive people that look after appearances very well. It can be more important for them to look successful and so they may pick attractive partners too.  Where do you think the term Trophy Wife came from? 

The best suits, cars and um gold plated everything. What says  wealth and success more than gold? Yeah it's over compensating for something they lack in life (emotional support as a child?) but they never think too deeply about it. 

The Dark Triad is a group of personality traits that these toxic people often have: narcissism, Machiavellianism and psychopathy. 

They have an exaggerated sense of self, quite grandiose, they lack empathy, selfish and always seem to have some kind of scheme or manipulation going on. 

Why do they behave like jerks?  Because it works for them and gets them what they want. Why change? 

Covert Narcissists differ because they are less easy to spot. You can be married to one for years before their mask slips. More underhanded they manipulate those they can and very often appear like the victim in order to get their way. They have similar traits to the Overt but less extrovert. 

They believe themselves to be superior, just think about themselves or how events will affect them. A lack of empathy which seems to be the main trait of all the Dark Triad. Passive Aggressive, again thin skinned and super sensitive to anything perceived to be criticism. They think they are so special that no one gets or understands them. Also with narcs, because of the lack of empathy and wanting to take rather than give and take they have difficulties with other people all the time. 

Poor me, the crying Nazi. 

You can drive yourself insane trying to figure out what the people in your life are so it's best to just focus on their problematic behavior. 

To sum up a covert narcissist, misery loves company. Why should you be happy? They will try to tear you down to their level in order to make themselves feel better or to raise themselves up. 

So what is a Sociopath? This personality disorder is basically the same as everything I've described but a sociopath is like the advanced upgraded version. Grandiose sense of self, lying, lack of empathy or remorse, charming, glib, callousness. 

The Overt, Covert Narcissist and the Sociopath can look like they love and feel like anyone else but it's all a lie for that instant gratification of a dopamine rush. See my previous post on love bombing and mirroring. 

If these people want something they won't care who is in their way or who gets hurt as long as they get what they want. They will lie, manipulate to get it or to use others to get it for them, they are total CNUT's. 

Another term used recklessly is Psychopath. A Psychopath is different because their condition is not just a personality disorder, it's congenital. 

A Narcissist or Sociopath are made. Their douchebag parents, their home environment turned them into what they are. A Psychopath is born. 

People often point out that Jeffrey Dahmer had nice normal parents, no harsh upbringing and yet he goes on to kill 17 people. 

A Psychopath can have narcissistic traits, as I've said we all have them. A Psychopath can get pulled over for speeding with a body in the trunk and he'll be cool and friendly to the officer. In fact he may even challenge the ticket and win. 

They have a cold disconnect with their actions as they don't care either way. They are intelligent enough to say the right things and appear remorseful but it is learned and fake.

It's mostly their grandiose ego that gets them caught as they think they are so much better and intelligent than everyone else and so take bigger risks. 

Ted Bundy representing himself in court. A total giveaway. 

Borderline Personality Disorder is one of those that gets a bad rap. It is unclear the exact cause but it is thought to be genetic and environmental. Traumatic events in childhood such as physical or sexual assault, also parental neglect seems to be a common theme. 

Eccentric or impulsive behavior, paranoia, a poor sense of self with lots of reinventing your look. Bouts of excessive working or even decreased productivity as the mood changes and sexual urges or lack off is also affected. Poor sleep habits, too much or too little as well as thoughts about suicide. As with all of these categories there may be some self medicating and living like this will damage your psychical health. 

There are other types of toxicity out there and none of them tick all the boxes of the DSM V nice and

neatly, there is always overlap with the symptoms. 

These people only usually end up in therapy when they have hit rock bottom or are forced into it due to the consequences of their actions. 

It's their actions and behaviors that make them seem less sympathetic to us. How can you feel sorry for a jerk that thinks it's their way or the highway? 

These people do have feelings, just not very healthy ones. They are insecure and probably don't know why they feel a deep sense of shame that drives them to destroy others that seem happy and full of life ... something they can't be and so hate that you can. 

They usually are not self reflective unless it's to fool someone. There is no cure but perhaps 1% might change their behaviors to be less destructive if they are on the cusp of losing everything. 

Life is too short to be with someone you need to save or fix because they probably don't feel much of anything for you. They will take your love and support and use it as ammo against you. 

The main advice for people that see the red flags of the Dark Triad ... if they ever do see them before it is too late is to RUN! 

CNUT's won't ever let you just get away though. Unless they have someone or something else to distract them they will still come after you. A relationship with a CNUT can lead to a lifetime of having to always look over your shoulder. 

The Golden Child

Families should be safe places in which everyone might not be friendly all the time but there is definite love and that they have your back. A place of secure attachment.

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."~ George Burns

Perhaps my family and millions of others didn't get the memo. I've always looked at loving TV families with skepticism, does that even exist? Not in my reality.  

Very often you have parents raising their children as they themselves were raised. The old, 'it did me no harm' crap. As they live their abusive, emotionally stunted life thinking they are normal because from their experience it was their norm. 

Parents should not pick favorites among their children but they do. 'Why can't you be more like your brother/sister?' 

The Golden Child Syndrome has a child that is held above the others, to their parents/parent they can do no wrong.  Perhaps they were the first born or a son to carry on their cherished family name, there are plenty of reasons.

The golden child gets a free pass, even if they bully their siblings. These kids will grow up with the thought that they are special, even if there is nothing to back that up. 

    

I can think of three entitled, spoiled children that grew up to accomplish ... not much. The real world didn't give them a free pass and I don't know if they ever figured this out or did they just continue to live in denial. I suspect the latter.

My own brother who was 12 years older than me was the Golden Child for my mother. I never figured out why he was always so mean to me. He made derogatory remarks about my appearance, (I had acne and a broken nose from a skateboard fall) and with him being 12 years older, an adult, I accepted it. My mother laughing at his idiot remarks did hurt. She never once stood up for me.

I was the youngest so what they did was teach me to be like them but I wasn't the type to be mean for no reason and mostly just insulted back in self-defense. 

When I was nearly 18 he made one insulting remark too many. I don't even know what it was. My fist connected with his jaw and he fell back. My mum was in between us even though her precious Golden Child didn't want to retaliate. ' It is often a man's mouth that will break his nose.' Years later my mum did mention that I had anger issues. I wonder if this was the reason why. No mum, I have asshole brother issues. 

Yeah I was the Scapegoat. It was one rule for my other siblings and another for me. My brother could drink drive, total a car, crash into a lamp post breaking the light, set his kitchen on fire and all he got was the nickname 'unfortunate.'   I could change the way I brushed my hair as a 9 year-old and have that repeated for years as a joke, I was nicknamed odd and strange. 

If there was quiet in the living room I could feel my brother's eyes looking me up and down with half a smirk on his face as he came up with an insult or tried to remember an old favorite that always got a laugh. I only brought girlfriends home when he wasn't there. 

I had depression as well as rock bottom self-esteem. I was very self conscious and shy. My family had done a number on me. There is good reason why I no longer speak to them. They are just mean strangers that share my DNA. 

Seeing my mum race around to make him tea, soup or stew and how she'd iron his clothes well into his 40's (he moved out of the family home aged 35) was a bit disgusting to me. I think my brother appearing to be a man/baby helped to make me more independent so I wouldn't be like him. I didn't need my mammy to cook or clean for me, I did it for her. 

I never hated my brother, I was more confused as to why me never liked me. I was just a child! I figured out it was because he was the only boy out of my siblings for 12 years. When another boy came along (me) he didn't want to share the spotlight. This revelation just made me pity him. It also helped to see how my family's idea of who I am was just wrong. They didn't know me. If being odd and strange means I am not like them, then I embrace it. 

Other male Golden Children very often have carrying on the family name as an honor/burden. It's really funny if they never marry (like my brother, who would want him?) or if they have only

girl children. If a child is healthy and happy then who cares what gender they are? 

Of course you can easily get a female Golden Child. It is always the issues of the parents that do this. 

Too selfish or they lack empathy to see the harm they are not only doing to the Golden Child but to the Scapegoat or Black Sheep who earned that title for merely standing up for themselves and going their own way. 

Children need to be raised with unconditional love, not the unresolved issues of their parents.

 

Labels

People like to assign labels to others. It's what we do in order to relate to them better. We also do that in order to judge them but that's for a different post.

Labels like depressed or anxious get used by unqualified people when once they were only given out by healthcare professionals. Now we get people calling others psychopaths, sociopaths and even narcissists without any real education on the subject or any years of medical school to back these labels up.

You get books that have psychopath in the title that goes on to discuss narcissists instead. The title was just to grab your attention.

  No Sherlock, you have high functioning autism but that doesn't sound as cool. 

Are you an overt or covert narcissist? What about borderline personality? Do you have a personality disorder or a mood disorder? 

Why don't you fit neatly into all the categories in the DSM V?   Plot twist: with mental health issues there is usually always overlap with other disorders. Even experts get it wrong. Probably a reason that many are afraid to make a diagnosis and if they did would the patient then identify as that disorder from then on? 

Most narcs won't get a diagnosis as they will never seek out help unless they are up against the wall and about to lose everything. Even if they did go into therapy, only 1% might benefit from it but it will never make them better people, just more careful.      

This blog is mostly to do with narcissism but I will wander into other areas as the narc can be a slippery creature. 

But what labels to use?

You can go insane with diagnosis if you don't have training and may end up labeling a total asshole as a narcissist.   Even if some looks and acts depressed they may just be wallowing in self pity and no cure for depression will ever work for them.  

Those picked on/chosen by the narcissist, I don't want to call them/us victims as we are so much more than that. We've merely been made to forget just how strong we can be. Others have called them supply ... as in they supply the narc with all the empathy and emotion that they themselves cannot generate.    

Narcissists are like psychic vampires who drain their supply of life and take away any hope for the future that they may of had.  

I feel confident enough to name these love supply people as 'targets.'   I feel that I was targeted by my ex in a 'win me over' campaign and I do think that she was indeed a Covert Narcissist, with a few other things thrown in.  

The Narc, N, CN, or just toxic person. What to call them? I think 'User' covers them as that is what they do with people. However I don't think it does them justice so for the sake of this blog I shall call them, Controlling, Narcissistic, User, Tyrants ... or CNUT for short. See what I did there?  

Not that is out of the way I now feel confident to talk about these CNUT's and for the reader to understand what they truly are. 

The Love Bomb

Falling in love is great isn't it? What a rush of dopamine you get when you find someone that likes you as much as you like them.

When I look back on talking to my ex online I can't help but feel like a "target" for a surgical strike with a bunker busting love bomb. 

We were on Instant Messenger and while I'd be on the Internet a text box would pop up with the word,  :::pounce:::

Looking back the language of predator and prey was there, at the time I thought it was cute. She really wanted to talk a lot. Someone interesting and funny showing you attention.

The tactic these love predators do is called Love Bombing. How is it different than falling for someone normally? It's faster and more intense.

I talked to my ex online for only 3 months before we met. I had started talking to her as a friend with no ulterior motives. I found out later that she had 'decided' that I was her soulmate and we were to be married. It turned that I fit some list of her perfect man that she wrote out as a teen. I wasn't an exactly match but close enough for her. It was fate, it was meant to be.

You ignore all sort of silly stuff and red flag warnings when that dopamine hits you. Who doesn't want to feel like they are the chosen one?

Society has taught us how love conquerors all and that fairy tale romances are real. Boy are we gullible. 

These love predators seem to be perfect for us. They might give you disclaimers and mention their faults while you are in this dopey gullible stage, not their fault you weren't paying attention or thought they were being too hard on themselves.

My ex said, "I'm a bad person" and I took that to mean she was shouldering guilt that wasn't hers and that I could rescue or save her. Calling herself a bad person is probably one of the few things I now believe that she has told me is true.

Oh they've had it rough. Their ex was crazy and treated them so bad ... but you aren't like that and wouldn't treat them mean. Yep, they groom you into how they want/expect you to behave. You end up wanting to punch their ex out by the time they are finished.

They have you disliking all sorts of people you don't know. When you eventually meet them they don't have a clue what you've been told and just think you are rude or have anger issues or something. 

You tell the love predator your hopes and dreams. They don't laugh or mock you like others would, they support you and even come up with ideas. They want to be a part of it. You finish each others ... sandwiches!

Like that romance from Frozen it's all a lie too. The tactic they use is called mirroring.  Finding someone so much like you that accepts you for who you are and even has a similar world view has to be fate. There has to be mystical forces at work.

Is it all lies? Well that dopamine rush that you get, they get it too. Falling in love is the best and easiest part of a relationship. It isn't even love, it's infatuation. Love is a long term commitment that you have to work at, this is some vague promises and constant sexual arousal.   

We targets may feel it deeply and mean what we say. They don't. They can very easily switch the love off when things stop going their way.

These love predators love the dopamine and the drama of fulfilling their true love story. They mirror us and the love we see from them is the love we're shining on them. They are like the moon, the only light is what has been reflected by the sun, without the sun they are black and dark.

Their thinking may seem a little unrealistic at times. If you bring up problems they'll come up with likely solutions or just say that love will find a way. You want to believe.  The likely solutions never usually happen.

Perhaps they have talked themselves into thinking you are the one ... the one from the list they wrote that doesn't exactly fit but close enough. For months they put you on a pedestal. They like everything about you but still guide you to change a few things by saying, "hey you'd look great with a beard" or "what about these clothes, you look so good in them." 

Any changes all seem like your idea. My ex helped me spend $21K and made a lot of it seem like my idea. Why did I buy a lot of bookcases for the living room? I didn't have any books. She had loads though.

Life seems like a whirlwind but then you notice that all the promises and ideas didn't happen and mundane things like paying bills becomes a thing. The love predator is still open to listening and valuing what you have to say and you don't notice all the little controlling and smothering ways because you think it's love. 

In the back of your head you suspect something is wrong but it's like trying to remember a dream, you can't quite figure out what is wrong.

I'm A Survivor

I started this blog for we the survivors. Survivors from our families, survivors from our work colleagues and survivors from our partners.

Physical, psychological and emotional abuse can happen to anyone and people can experience less than others or more. No matter to what degree of the abuse you’ve experienced you have suffered, and you have been hurt. Don't suck it up and don't shrug it off. When you are ready to move you will.

The concept of evil is shown to us through the actions of others. Perhaps you held off labeling it as evil because you had conflicting feelings for these people or it was something you once thought of as normal because you hadn’t experienced a healthy relationship.

Abuse from strangers is awful and terrifying but when it comes from those who are your family or those you were supposed to trust then an element of betrayal is added to all those angry confused feelings you have.

In 2016, UK figures showed that 9 out of 10 women died at the hands of someone they knew. It is totally understandable why the pronoun used in most books about abusers is “he.”

For domestic violence 1 in 4 women will suffer it while the number for male victims is 1 in 6. In late 2017, I joined the 1 in 6. Let me tell you some of my story and what I have learned along the way.

I had never experienced violence from my wife of 16 years but I had experienced her rage and resentment. Looking back I made so many excuses for her. 'She's feeling ill' or 'she's stressed out about this or that' she'll stop being so mean and angry when we get somethings sorted out.

Waiting for life to happen rather than living life. I had never been stabbed before either. One night out of the blue I woke up to being stabbed and went on to get a total of nine wounds. It was close but for some reason I lived which I am very grateful for.

There was no bright light as shock took a hold of me. There was me standing in darkness with just light on my face as I felt the outer parts of my brain switching off, getting closer to me. I knew when they reached me I'd be dead. No fear, no feelings what soever.

Then I heard the words, "sit up!" It was the police officer who was doing first aid on me. Instinctively I sat up and the outer world with its lights, sounds, pain and blood everywhere came flooding back, I was still alive.

After 21 stitches I borrowed some hospital clothes and in the dead of winter sat on my front step waiting for the police to arrive with a locksmith so I could get inside my house and clean up my own
blood.

While my physical wounds healed as best they could the psychological wounds continue but I'm getting stronger. As like many of you, I am a survivor.