Ego States

Eric Berne was a Canadian Psychiatrist that created  transactional analysis. While based on Freud's work if differed vastly.

He believed that by studying the social interactions of clients and looking at their upbringing he could help us discover the unconscious life script we all tend to follow.

We do not play zero sum games with complete winners and losers. Berne suggested that we all get a payout. Even those that would be considered losers get the payout of living in their damaging social roles where they keep themselves trapped.

We have all had some kind of experience of parenting. We might have had a loving set of parents, a single parent, mean abusive parents, absent parents, being raised in the system or raised by wolves. It all goes towards our life experience.

There are mature and immature parents. We can see the word mature with a meaning related to age but as you probably know, wisdom (and maturity) does not always come with age. 

Being mature means that you are willing to accept responsibility for your own life. It doesn't mean that you have to be uber serious and dull.

Berne set out three ego states:

The Parent:  we model ourselves on our parents.

The Child:  we resort back to or regress to a child like state.

The Adult:  our behavior is based on logic and learning from past experience.

Immature parents who are bossy and controlling may very well raise kids that go on to be your horrible boss. They learned that from their parents. Everyone sees their childhood as being their "normal" until they know better and even when they do know better they may still see other childhoods as being wrong.

Parents look after other people and have the 'I'm above you' and know best way of thinking to their kids and even to other adults. This is what the horrible boss or stubborn control freak will grow up to do. 

Some people raised in the system or by unloving parents often want for others what they have never had and go on to work for child charities or adopt or foster children. Their own emptiness motivates them rather than what their parents did or how they behaved.

I myself raised my children with what my own parents did not do as a model.

One given is: Our patterns of behavior are learned. They aren't set in stone. Remember Neuroplasticity? 

The child ego state has adults regressing to childlike behavior. You can see this in temper tantrums when they don't get their way, like not getting a promotion or their sports team or political candidate losing.  Even angry violence is quite childlike. 

I just watched a video of a Bernie Sanders supporter so full of butthurt that they actually voted for Trump out of spite against Hillary for being the democratic nominee. Sulking is something many children excel at. 

My ex "Tanya" would wear me down by repeatedly asking me the same question even after I had said "no!" Very much like a child that wants a toy in a shop. Eventually you just give in to shut them up. If they know it works then will just keep doing it. 

When someone that leans towards the child state gets talked down to they remember those times from their childhood and can often go into the nervous, fidgety deer in the headlights mode. 

The adult state is probably the best state to be in. It's a growth mindset of learning from 'evidence' or your experiences from past events. You use logic and commonsense. This ego state is the most mature.

It's out past that informs our present.

When you are tired and stressed, or in fight or flight mode, think about which state you tend to gravitate towards.

I've Got My Mind Set On You

People are meaning making machines. They will either draw meaning from their failures in life or from their successes.

This can also be described as Mindset. Either a Fixed Mindset or a Growth Mindset.

The Fixed Mindset is the most troublesome. You can define yourself and abilities with labels and excuses while rationalizing that you are actually being aware of the reality of your limitations.

These limiting beliefs go on to create issues in your life as they set out patterns of behavior which is how most people end up going into therapy ...  they have a crisis of some sort brought on by the patterns of their limited beliefs.

A Fixed Mindset isn't a 100% negative thing. Many of the world's greatest successes have it. It's only negative when it impacts your life in a bad way.

Fixed Mindset people are too hard on themselves. If they fail at something straight away they may never do that thing ever again. Those Fixed Mindset people at the top of their game also have difficulties due to the pressure they feel. They feel obligated to be the best.

People with a Fixed Mindset will use labels as excuses to not try in case they fail.

CEO's with a Fixed Mindset will often take the safe easy no risk win in order to get the adulation they need to maintain the illusion of being the best. Probably why there are so many movie sequels.

The main problem with a Fixed Mindset is that when you realistically examine your abilities you are probably underestimating yourself and will not reach your full potential.

Some Fixed Mindset people may be classed as genius but don't adapt or change their skills and often blame others or the type of saw dust they use for their hands when they fail. 

The good news for Fixed Mindset people is that you don't have to be defined by your childhood or life experiences, you can be better.
Neuroplasticity, also known as Brain Plasticity. The ability the brain has to change throughout a person's life time.

Just by knowing there are two types of mindset and that you have the choice of how to think is empowering. 

'Jack grew up with emotionally distant parents that didn't value him or showed him any kind of affection.'

Jack can go onto to believe that he isn't deserving of it and will continue the cycle with his children. Jack's low self-esteem and Fixed Mindset that was forced upon him from birth was a strong factor in his life but what other people put onto him was underestimating him greatly. 

He decided he didn't want to damage a child the way he'd been damaged and so learned from his childhood and did the things his parents did not do. He developed a growth mindset without even knowing what he was doing. 

You can have a Fixed Mindset and a Growth Mindset at the same time. By knowing how you are thinking about certain things you can decide what Mindset you want to go with.  

People's thinking and belief system their core, is not set in stone. 

A Growth Mindset is merely being open to a different way of looking at things. Instead of goal related thinking it's the learning and experience that matters. You may not have won the game but you can be satisfied that you did your best and gained experience for the next time. 

It's a 'just glad to be a part of the team' or 'it's an honor to be nominated' way of thinking and to mean it.   

A world class tennis player that thinks he's the best because he's been  # 1 for four years should be looking at how to be better to someday in order be the best, not just the best because everyone says so. 

There are always others that put more effort into learning and growing, they knock the crown off the champion's huge head while he cries about the ball being on the line. 

Effort and learning builds character. Character can often win over skill if the person with the skill isn't in the right frame of mind. When the pressure to succeed gets too great they fold. 

Growth Mindset people don't draw meaning or value from their failures, a low test score or a bum note on their guitar means that they still have work to do and by being open to the challenge they can do better. 

They still get depression and anxiety but have a better chance of over coming it because they do not let it define who they are.