Defense Mechanisms

Defense or coping mechanisms are tactics we use to get through a difficult time in life or to not feel or think about something as it causes us ambivalence or distress. Sometimes we just can't handle parts of reality or events that happen to us.

Defense Mechanisms are lies that we tell ourselves to avoid pain.

These lies may be good in the short term but if you use them long term you may end up doing yourself more damage than you would if you had faced your issues and worked through them.

It's like pulling the covers up over your head to defend yourself from the monster in your bedroom. That monster isn't going to go way just because you can't see it, it's going to go under your bed and grab your feet when you least expect it.

Freud set down a lot of what is known about modern day psychology. He wasn't just about penis envy, he did get many things right. Including defense mechanisms.

We have the conscious mind: This is what you are using now to read and click onto something more interesting like cat videos.

The the preconscious mind: Here is where you store your memories that you need to recall.

The unconscious mind: All the stuff that you don't need to keep handy is stored here. There are thoughts, memories and feelings but they've been put into really deep storage.

Usually if there is an intensely strong reaction to something then there is probably a defense mechanism at play. It is always helpful to stop and examine why you feel this way.

Repression: This defense mechanism is used to subdue those impulses, wants and desires that you don't like having, perhaps you believe they go against societal norms and there is a stigma associated to them. Or if it's a sexual trauma then you just want to avoid remembering it. They get dumped into the un-conscious mind and hidden as remembering them causes anxiety. It doesn't just happen, it needs a continual expenditure of mental effort to keep things repressed.

The main harm to doing this means that a person make lash out without realizing why or may exhibit passive aggressive behavior. 

Regression: When you feel anxious or under pressure you may revert to a time when you were younger and felt safe or with less responsibilities. Perhaps you suck your thumb, grab a security blanket or want your mammy to make you some soup like she used to do.

Denial: One of the much used classics. When reality becomes too threatening, you just avoid confronting it. Either by pretending it just doesn't exist or by replacing it with a better version of reality that suits your world view.

This takes continual effort to maintain as it is a constant opposite and the want to escape from having to face things you don't like.

My husband isn't cheating, I'll just use stain remover on this lipstick on his collar and not give it a second thought, la la la.

Reaction Formation: Is becoming the opposite to how you really think and feel. A classic example would the angry homophobe that can't accept that they are really gay. You also see this with politicians who run on a family values, anti-homosexual platform, just before pictures of them living it up in a gay bar they are a regular in comes out in the press. 

A smoker who quits goes on to be disgusted by even the smell of tobacco when once it was a thing of joy to them. They also now condemn smokers. 

Rationalization: Can be used to avoid disappointment, 'I didn't really want that job I applied for anyway' it can also be used to deflect blame or to make something less bad with a comparison. It is basically justification and bargaining to make ourselves or others feel better.

No one is perfect ... I'll have some cake now and do an extra 10 minutes of exercise tomorrow.

Displacement: Or why you always hurt the ones you love. The boss chews you out at work so in your frustration you go home and kick the cat or have an argument with someone more 'safer' like a partner in place of your boss. 

Projection: Is when you are criticizing others for something when in reality you are guilty of doing it. Sometimes it's to avoid ideas about ourselves that we don't like. For example, It's wrong to have any kind of attraction to someone that you are not married to. When you do notice an attractive person you feel shame and self-loathing and so try to give that shame to someone else. 

Those who project their feelings often have a sense of superiority and a smugness. Sometimes they don't even know what they are afraid of. It's all about giving your own shame to others. Some use their jobs to create laws to discriminate based on this projection. 

Intellectualization: A person that uses intellectualization are those who live in their heads a lot. Like all defense mechanisms if used long term it can become harmful. Soon those thoughts that helped distract you from the unpleasantness of life now seem out of control and you cannot turn them off.

In childhood perhaps a person didn't like to be small and weak, they wanted to grow up quickly, achieve more academically and not to be at the mercy of their emotions. They go on to feel as if they are imposters and have those dreams in which they are naked. 

They grew up on the outside but on the inside they are still that vulnerable child hiding behind an intellectual facade.   

Blocking: When you ask a person a question about something they don't want to talk about and they abruptly tell you they don't know or don't remember. It's like a human brick wall. 

There are many others like humor, disassociation, wishful thinking and withdrawal from events or interactions.  

Control is a big one. You feel helpless in life so you attempt to control those around you. Jealous partners, micro-managers and even hoarders who try to control their environment and those forced to live with their mess. 

Stealth Control is when someone appears helpless or even just procrastinates in the hope that someone will swoop in and do the deed or fix the problem. 

Idealization: You have the ambiguity of mixed emotions or conflicting attitudes so you see certain people in a way that is perfect and all good. Very often police and the military are idealized. They are heroes and if anyone says differently then they get much deserved scorn. 

With Idealization people become either all good or all bad. Our soldiers = good, their soldiers = bad.

A new romantic love is often put on a pedestal and you refuse to acknowledge any faults. When the shine of idealization wears off there is often resentment that this former perfect person now has flaws. How did that happen? Idealization often occurs during Love Bombing as mentioned in an earlier post. 

Splitting: When faced with opposing ideas that bring discomfort, we split into black and white

thinking. If the topic is too complex we split it down and make it more simple. Sometimes so simple it becomes a hashtag or slogan.

When you split you no longer perceive people as they really are. Look at the WWII propaganda posters or how early 19th century Irish immigrants in the US were portrayed in the press as almost ape-like. 

Splitting promotes the rigid them and us, either/or thinking that you often see in politics. 

The Love Bomb

Falling in love is great isn't it? What a rush of dopamine you get when you find someone that likes you as much as you like them.

When I look back on talking to my ex online I can't help but feel like a "target" for a surgical strike with a bunker busting love bomb. 

We were on Instant Messenger and while I'd be on the Internet a text box would pop up with the word,  :::pounce:::

Looking back the language of predator and prey was there, at the time I thought it was cute. She really wanted to talk a lot. Someone interesting and funny showing you attention.

The tactic these love predators do is called Love Bombing. How is it different than falling for someone normally? It's faster and more intense.

I talked to my ex online for only 3 months before we met. I had started talking to her as a friend with no ulterior motives. I found out later that she had 'decided' that I was her soulmate and we were to be married. It turned that I fit some list of her perfect man that she wrote out as a teen. I wasn't an exactly match but close enough for her. It was fate, it was meant to be.

You ignore all sort of silly stuff and red flag warnings when that dopamine hits you. Who doesn't want to feel like they are the chosen one?

Society has taught us how love conquerors all and that fairy tale romances are real. Boy are we gullible. 

These love predators seem to be perfect for us. They might give you disclaimers and mention their faults while you are in this dopey gullible stage, not their fault you weren't paying attention or thought they were being too hard on themselves.

My ex said, "I'm a bad person" and I took that to mean she was shouldering guilt that wasn't hers and that I could rescue or save her. Calling herself a bad person is probably one of the few things I now believe that she has told me is true.

Oh they've had it rough. Their ex was crazy and treated them so bad ... but you aren't like that and wouldn't treat them mean. Yep, they groom you into how they want/expect you to behave. You end up wanting to punch their ex out by the time they are finished.

They have you disliking all sorts of people you don't know. When you eventually meet them they don't have a clue what you've been told and just think you are rude or have anger issues or something. 

You tell the love predator your hopes and dreams. They don't laugh or mock you like others would, they support you and even come up with ideas. They want to be a part of it. You finish each others ... sandwiches!

Like that romance from Frozen it's all a lie too. The tactic they use is called mirroring.  Finding someone so much like you that accepts you for who you are and even has a similar world view has to be fate. There has to be mystical forces at work.

Is it all lies? Well that dopamine rush that you get, they get it too. Falling in love is the best and easiest part of a relationship. It isn't even love, it's infatuation. Love is a long term commitment that you have to work at, this is some vague promises and constant sexual arousal.   

We targets may feel it deeply and mean what we say. They don't. They can very easily switch the love off when things stop going their way.

These love predators love the dopamine and the drama of fulfilling their true love story. They mirror us and the love we see from them is the love we're shining on them. They are like the moon, the only light is what has been reflected by the sun, without the sun they are black and dark.

Their thinking may seem a little unrealistic at times. If you bring up problems they'll come up with likely solutions or just say that love will find a way. You want to believe.  The likely solutions never usually happen.

Perhaps they have talked themselves into thinking you are the one ... the one from the list they wrote that doesn't exactly fit but close enough. For months they put you on a pedestal. They like everything about you but still guide you to change a few things by saying, "hey you'd look great with a beard" or "what about these clothes, you look so good in them." 

Any changes all seem like your idea. My ex helped me spend $21K and made a lot of it seem like my idea. Why did I buy a lot of bookcases for the living room? I didn't have any books. She had loads though.

Life seems like a whirlwind but then you notice that all the promises and ideas didn't happen and mundane things like paying bills becomes a thing. The love predator is still open to listening and valuing what you have to say and you don't notice all the little controlling and smothering ways because you think it's love. 

In the back of your head you suspect something is wrong but it's like trying to remember a dream, you can't quite figure out what is wrong.