Trauma Bonding

Being free from a toxic relationship, be it a partner, family member or even a work colleague or boss should be amazing and liberating.

No more walking on eggshells not knowing what will set them off or what version of them will you get that day. No more manufactured mind numbing drama.

If it was a long term connection with this person, you might have some healing to do first before you start to be happy again ... or even dare to be happy again. Is it safe to be happy?

You might feel like you miss them and prefer to remember the good things they did and the good times. Perhaps you still make excuses for them as you did throughout your relationship.

They were stressed.

They were worn down by illness.

They were abused or treated badly in the past.

It's too painful to think about the bad things and why be negative? Maybe you blame yourself for how they treated you. If you had only been better or more understanding.

You cannot make someone else abuse you, that's all on them. You can allow them to abuse you though. If you are an adult you always have the option to stand up to them, create boundaries or leave. Children and other vulnerable people can't leave. Those without jobs because they look after the kids can't just leave.

If you do get out and feel like you need or want your abuser then that's known as Trauma Bonding.

It's a coping mechanism - a defense mechanism to help you survive an abusive relationship.

You keep your head down, comply with the CNUT's wishes in the hopes they don't get set off in order for a quiet life or just one more rage free day.

You can compare it to Stockholm Syndrome. Being in a manipulationship with a CNUT might as well be a hostage situation with you as the captive.

You align yourself with the hostage taker, agree with their POV and try to empathize with them so they see you as less disposable. Your aim is to survive. You do their bidding in order to be useful.

If you do this for long enough it will become your new norm. While talking your captive into believing you are on their side you also talk yourself into it because you can't slip up. Too much depends on you being convincing.

Before you know it you've become almost a partner in crime. Sure you still get abused but the fear of even worse abuse keeps you rooting for Team CNUT.

Away from the hostage taker or CNUT you have to adjust from what your norm became. It is said that it takes 3 weeks of constantly doing something in order for it to become a habit. Changing your mindset goes a lot deeper.

Think about anything you've tried to give up, smoking, alcohol, drugs, unhealthy food, porn, reality TV shows.
 A manipulationship can be just as difficult. You know it'll eventually kill you and you'll hate yourself later but won't you feel better for just a moment? ... Who doesn't want to feel good?

We are not addicted to any of these things, we are addicted to how they make us feel. We forget that feelings are transient because we think we need them right then and there. Nothing else can help.

It takes time to get over Trauma Bonding. This is why they have de-radicalization camps for child soldiers and former ISIS fighters. It's a thing.

Away from the CNUT you need to not remember the good times, they were probably lies or they were a part of the CNUT's agenda. You need to remember how they made you feel, the dread the disrespect, the indifference every time you made an effort to please them.

Warts and all. Then you have to get angry. You are probably already angry at yourself for allowing them to treat you so poorly so get angry at the over all injustice instead. You deserve better, you deserve to be treated with respect.

You are kind, loyal, caring, compassionate, honest. You will go that extra mile to help others, you keep your word and enjoy seeing those you care about happy.

Most of all, you are strong! 

The CNUT made you forget all of the above, they made you question your self-worth. You actually felt like you deserved to be treated poorly on some level.

A CNUT is really good at using the strengths of decent people against them. A decent person (target) wouldn't lie so they naturally don't expect others to lie.

A CNUT can look into your eyes and say,"I love you" and no one would even consider it was a lie. When love is involved (even if it's one sided love) the trauma bonding goes deeper.

No Contact is the best way to deprogram yourself from a CNUT. Take time to rediscover yourself and to remember your truths.

Some people can't go no contact if they are financially tied together or have children. So you have to rediscover yourself while having as limited contact with the CNUT as you can have. Reduce the ways in which they can contact you and set up personal boundaries.

Boundaries are reminders that you deserve better. CNUT's will probe and even walk over your boundaries, stop them cold in their tracks by not allowing it. The only people that have a problem with boundaries are the people that want to trample them so they can disrespect you.

You deserve better, so demand you get it.