'Your hat strategically dipped below one eye, Your scarf, it was apricot, You had one eye on the mirror, And watched yourself gavotte.'
Toxic people come in all sorts of flavors. Narcissism seems to be taking the world by storm at the moment as when people become educated on the topic, they then begin to see them everywhere. Social media is all about YOU and do you really need 1000 selfies? You can't have changed that much in 12 hours.
We all have narcissist traits. If we didn't would so many think that the duck face pose made them look good? It's sad to see the various silly poses the media steals from social media for those in news stories that unexpectedly die.
Freud called our traits healthy narcissism. You are confident of your abilities and even appearance.
There can be healthy stress too such as when competing in sports. All these terms and others like depression and anxiety are clinical terms that we have hi-jacked without even knowing all the connotations involved.
Like most things, narcissism is on a spectrum. You get the person that says, 'I'm funny and not that bad looking, I'll ask this person out, I have a shot' to 'I bet this person will never be asked out by someone of my caliber, it's a cert.'
The world in general only really knows the Overt Narcissist, this is the over confident person from
such shows like Mad Men.
Society applauds these individuals and so many are leaders and CEO's. They make sure to tell everyone how great they are and about their amazing life and successes. Even when nobody asks.
Don't tell an Overt Narcissist that he shouldn't look at the sun.
As well as bragging and embellishing, they outright lie like it's second nature. Even if the truth is easier they might just lie anyway. Very thin skinned they cannot take criticism. It doesn't mesh well with their ego ... another vague term often used too.
Being a narcissist doesn't seem that bad to them because they win. Even when they fail they will quite often re-tell the story to make it seem like a win. Overt Narcs are often attractive people that look after appearances very well. It can be more important for them to look successful and so they may pick attractive partners too. Where do you think the term Trophy Wife came from?
The best suits, cars and um gold plated everything. What says wealth and success more than gold? Yeah it's over compensating for something they lack in life (emotional support as a child?) but they never think too deeply about it.
The Dark Triad is a group of personality traits that these toxic people often have: narcissism, Machiavellianism and psychopathy.
They have an exaggerated sense of self, quite grandiose, they lack empathy, selfish and always seem to have some kind of scheme or manipulation going on.
Why do they behave like jerks? Because it works for them and gets them what they want. Why change?
Covert Narcissists differ because they are less easy to spot. You can be married to one for years before their mask slips. More underhanded they manipulate those they can and very often appear like the victim in order to get their way. They have similar traits to the Overt but less extrovert.
They believe themselves to be superior, just think about themselves or how events will affect them. A lack of empathy which seems to be the main trait of all the Dark Triad. Passive Aggressive, again thin skinned and super sensitive to anything perceived to be criticism. They think they are so special that no one gets or understands them. Also with narcs, because of the lack of empathy and wanting to take rather than give and take they have difficulties with other people all the time.
Poor me, the crying Nazi.
You can drive yourself insane trying to figure out what the people in your life are so it's best to just focus on their problematic behavior.
To sum up a covert narcissist, misery loves company. Why should you be happy? They will try to tear you down to their level in order to make themselves feel better or to raise themselves up.
So what is a Sociopath? This personality disorder is basically the same as everything I've described but a sociopath is like the advanced upgraded version. Grandiose sense of self, lying, lack of empathy or remorse, charming, glib, callousness.
The Overt, Covert Narcissist and the Sociopath can look like they love and feel like anyone else but it's all a lie for that instant gratification of a dopamine rush. See my previous post on love bombing and mirroring.
If these people want something they won't care who is in their way or who gets hurt as long as they get what they want. They will lie, manipulate to get it or to use others to get it for them, they are total CNUT's.
Another term used recklessly is Psychopath. A Psychopath is different because their condition is not just a personality disorder, it's congenital.
A Narcissist or Sociopath are made. Their douchebag parents, their home environment turned them into what they are. A Psychopath is born.
People often point out that Jeffrey Dahmer had nice normal parents, no harsh upbringing and yet he goes on to kill 17 people.
A Psychopath can have narcissistic traits, as I've said we all have them. A Psychopath can get pulled over for speeding with a body in the trunk and he'll be cool and friendly to the officer. In fact he may even challenge the ticket and win.
They have a cold disconnect with their actions as they don't care either way. They are intelligent enough to say the right things and appear remorseful but it is learned and fake.
It's mostly their grandiose ego that gets them caught as they think they are so much better and intelligent than everyone else and so take bigger risks.
Ted Bundy representing himself in court. A total giveaway.
Borderline Personality Disorder is one of those that gets a bad rap. It is unclear the exact cause but it is thought to be genetic and environmental. Traumatic events in childhood such as physical or sexual assault, also parental neglect seems to be a common theme.
Eccentric or impulsive behavior, paranoia, a poor sense of self with lots of reinventing your look. Bouts of excessive working or even decreased productivity as the mood changes and sexual urges or lack off is also affected. Poor sleep habits, too much or too little as well as thoughts about suicide. As with all of these categories there may be some self medicating and living like this will damage your psychical health.
neatly, there is always overlap with the symptoms.
These people only usually end up in therapy when they have hit rock bottom or are forced into it due to the consequences of their actions.
It's their actions and behaviors that make them seem less sympathetic to us. How can you feel sorry for a jerk that thinks it's their way or the highway?
These people do have feelings, just not very healthy ones. They are insecure and probably don't know why they feel a deep sense of shame that drives them to destroy others that seem happy and full of life ... something they can't be and so hate that you can.
They usually are not self reflective unless it's to fool someone. There is no cure but perhaps 1% might change their behaviors to be less destructive if they are on the cusp of losing everything.
Life is too short to be with someone you need to save or fix because they probably don't feel much of anything for you. They will take your love and support and use it as ammo against you.
The main advice for people that see the red flags of the Dark Triad ... if they ever do see them before it is too late is to RUN!
CNUT's won't ever let you just get away though. Unless they have someone or something else to distract them they will still come after you. A relationship with a CNUT can lead to a lifetime of having to always look over your shoulder.
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