We all have or have had CNUT's in our lives. If we weren't secure within ourselves at the time then they probably tricked or used us. We look back on that time with the shame of falling for their tactics.
The only way a CNUT can destroy your life is if you allow them to have that power. It's difficult when they are the ones raising you from birth or those you have to work along side but if we continue to give them power over us they will continue to take it until they have it all.
There are ways to inoculate yourself from a CNUT and to not be a CNUT magnet.
If you go through life in fear, afraid that the next person you date might be a CNUT then the chances are that you'll attract a CNUT. 'That what you fear the most. Could meet you halfway.'
If a bitter resentful person gets involved in religion, they will probably use their scripture in a bitter and resentful way. Like relationships you get out what you bring to it.
Some people feel empty and need someone to complete them like the movies say they should or just don't know how to fill the void. Shouldn't you have a spouse, house, car and children by now? ... No! You should be secure in yourself and happy by now.
Don't give your power away to abusive partners, parents, co-workers, acquaintances and even children. You drop everything to help them but would they do the same for you? If they continue to show you that they wouldn't then you are nothing but a supply for them to feed off.
No one else is responsible for your own happiness ... you are responsible for it.
There was just something 'off ' about Ted, no one could put their finger on it.
If like me when I go to make a purchase of something I don't know too much about I Google it or read reviews.
You look at the star rating, read some comments and make sure you keep the receipt and warranty card if you buy it. It makes sense to do so. When you meet someone that could be a potential relationship why do you take their self-sales pitch at face value?
You are so right, I understand and accept everything you say, I feel the same way.
If we are lonely and empty at the core then a smile and the right words can boost our ego. Our heads maybe saying "slow down" but your heart is saying, "shut up stoopid head!"
A dinner with a CNUT wouldn't put you in danger of falling for their lies. Your needy emptiness will be the thing that puts you in danger.
Meeting new people with the prospect of a relationship has to be taken slowly. If it's a one night fling or just a physical thing then make sure you both know the ground rules and enjoy.
You get to know a person through dialogue ... be careful it doesn't turn into a monologue with you answering more questions in detail than you really should.
Why would a new date want to hear about your past troubles? ... oh that's right, they want to know your vulnerabilities to not just use them against you but to trick and reassure you that they are different and would never treat you like that.
A CNUT that opens up quickly in the relationship is grooming you as to the way they want you to behave. You wouldn't behave like my crazy abusive ex would you?
When you are getting to know a potential love interest the best thing to do is NOT to have sex for a while. Sex creates a false intimacy and makes the truth harder to see. If they are the real deal they will stick around.
Sex without feeling or connection feels a tad one sided. Some people will have sex to try to make the other person like them but it won't be a 'like' based in respect.
CNUT's can play the savior or the one that needs saved. For people with almost zero empathy they can sure figure out what you need.
Colin to the rescue!
Is the target a bleeding heart that is looking for a wounded bird to save or do they see you as the white knight and oh you are so strong Colin.
So many people are desperate for love that they talk themselves into seeing the other person as the person they want them to be.
To really inoculate your life and to be safe from CNUT's you need to have boundaries to offset the lies you tell yourself and to bring you down to earth when things get hot and heavy.
When I meet someone new I'll still maintain my current relationships and interests ... If you have to change then perhaps they are trying to make you into someone you are not. Also there is too much of the 'he's my man' or 'she's my woman' crap. You should not have the idea that you belong to someone else, even in a marriage.
I will not go against my personal values to please a person ... my ex compromised me with her schemes. I didn't see that saying no was an option as these 'not always legit' ploys were often for the good of the family so I felt pressured. Yeah pretty lame huh. I was in deep like a cop in Training Day.
I will not be involved with a deceitful person and will certainly not lend money to anyone I haven't known or trusted for years ... we do make excuses for them even when our inner voice is screaming at us. If someone you've only known for a year casually mentions their money problems, do not leap in to save them. They might be expecting that.
I will not be involved with a married or otherwise unavailable person ... People do get separated with the intent to divorce but rather than get burned and used it's best to yet again 'take things slowly' before blindly taking their word or sob story. Many people going through separation or divorce are not in a good place emotionally.
I will not give my trust to someone that has not earned it ... as like the anti-virus software on your computer, your trust software needs to be maintained and updated. You don't just give trust and that's it forever. People and agendas change, they might not tell you.
I will not be a part of a relationship where I am not treated with respect and will not tolerate abusive behavior of any kind ... sounds like a no brainer but yet we do accept abuse and disrespect. Not just screaming and yelling. You can get belittling, humiliation and even the silent treatment as forms of abuse.
If you are in a relationship that suddenly does a 180 and the soulmate of your life shows their true face then get out fast. Hopefully you have not set up a joint bank account and didn't move in with each other.
Very often a CNUT will only really let their mask slip when you are both very intertwined. Trapped is another way to put it. Perhaps you put them onto your bank account and gave your Internet passwords to demonstrate your trust in them and the seriousness of your commitment.
Nicely played CNUT, all you had to do was compliment them now and then. You gave away nothing and got it all.
Whatever boundaries you have in place will piss off a CNUT. You are telling them that you control what you want to happen to you, no one else can control it.
The only thing anyone has any power to control is their own decisions and how they respond to things.
When you say, 'no thanks' or 'wise the f**k up' defending your boundaries, you are controlling your own negative patterns of behavior such as self sabotage.
A bad boy with a heart of gold ... so what is he out on parole for? Don't waste your time with these destructive relationships. Have your boundaries written out. These should be made out with a calm clear head. This is your trusted, sensible self. Not your horny tequila self.
Do you really want to be lied to, treated like shit and cheated on? Who in their right mind would?
You don't make a list for an ideal partner as being the biggest douchebag ever born.
If someone belittles or scoffs at the boundaries you set then they are belittling and scoffing at you.
All militaries of the world play these games in which they probe the enemies defenses without actually starting a war. That's what CNUT's will do with your boundaries. Why are you making a big deal about it, I was only kidding?
Each little probe exposes a weakness as you question and second guess yourself, 'am I being too sensitive?' it's difficult to defend your boundaries if you don't know they are being violated.
You deserve to have:
Your own feelings and needs respected. To express feelings and opinions and not be held responsible for how others feel.
Your own priorities, how you want to spend your time and with whom you want to spend it with.
The right to change your mind and to say no.
The right to walk away from a relationship you deem harmful.
You matter. Your boundaries matter. You don't have to answer to anyone or set out examples and provide proof when a CNUT demands it from you.
Value yourself and your wants and needs but don't make your happiness be dependent on someone else. It's better to be alone than to feel you are alone with the wrong person.
Options gives us empowerment. We might not like the option and it may be difficult to choose. When you are just existing, life happens to you. When you are truly living then you happen to life.
