Vacant Stare

This blog is the accumulation of my knowledge as I learn as well as what I've experienced. My ex "Tanya" did not have a trial for attempted murder of me, she took a last minute plea for a lesser charge. 

Just like a CNUT, they stall and drag things out then pull a fast one. They want to wear you down so you are weak.
I was not to testify now but I had to get two victim impact reports done. In the UK these reports are to detail how a crime has affected the victim. The judge is supposed to take these into consideration for the sentencing.

The court was large and open. There was a long Plexiglas box in the middle of the room for the accused. A door to the side lead to the holding cells and they would enter the court and walk 8 foot straight into the box.

It reminded me of Russia when Pussy Riot or some Chechen terrorists are being tried.

Tanya entered the court with 2 security guards. I happened to sit with a police officer that was handling my case and we were right behind the center of the box. Tanya looked right at me as she walked to the box. It was an odd vacant look, nothing on her face showed that she noticed my nice new suit or the loss of 20 LBS due to exercise.

The actual courtroom 

Her eyes just stared, they didn't look me up and down. There was no disgust, no rage. I wasn't used to this new look. Where was the hatred?

I didn't know how I'd react to seeing her for the first time since she stabbed me 9 times. The Clinical Psychologist that assessed me for one of the victim impact reports said that I might not feel anything.

The two security guards went into the box with Tanya and she sat directly in front of me about 6 feet away. I got to stare at the back of her head the whole time.

I had a headset on so I could hear the judge and the barristers. She couldn't possibly hear as was in a box. Her usual thing is to fidget and cock her head but no, she was motionless until the judge told her to stand.

I wondered if they had her on something.

She wore sweat pants and some cheap floral print short sleeved shirt. Borrowed clothes. She had gained weight since I had last seen her and was not longer pretending to need a walking stick to get around with.

I had no sense of revenge just annoyed pity. Why did she feel like the only answer in life was to kill me? All I've done over the years was to help her.

Her defense barrister belittled my wounds and brushed them off as 'superficial' he made a case that proper stab wounds had to be as deep as they are wide. Who made up these stupid rules? Does it not depend on the type of knife and if there is a shoulder blade beneath the skin? I really did nearly die!

They painted Tanya as a poor woman who suffered childhood trauma and had a complex psychological state. Nothing that had a diagnosis to it I noticed. Sure I was asleep and vulnerable but she suffered some things 40 years ago that made her want to stab people.

I was glad I went to not just see my demented nemesis but because I'd hear the outcome first hand.

Her barrister did belittle me and I felt that the judge took pity on her. I guess he wasn't stabbed 9 times or spent the night in foster care like my son did. Just before his birthday too.

She looked a pitiful figure but since I can clearly remember the knife swinging at my face I don't get fooled.

Time served she got less than a year. I wonder how light it would have been without the impact reports. Then she'll get probation or deported to her home country. No one has confirmed this yet.

I suppose 2 years and 3 months served in total will have to do. Her future is ruined. Who will she latch on to now? Her mom died months ago and she doesn't like her father. None of her kids want her in their lives. You reap what you sow really does apply here.   

I have my scars and my PTSD to remind me of what she has done. Her name I had tattooed on my arm in 2001 is getting removed and is fading from my life just as she is.
    

Narcissist Tactics

When you are being manipulated it can very often be difficult to catch it in the heat of the moment. Most manipulation gets noticed in hindsight when you wake up alert at 3 am and berate yourself for being stupid and oblivious.

In our everyday life we have conditioning that has gone on since the day we were born. We had our parents and care givers telling us what is and what is not acceptable. Then we have teachers and society at large. So many ingrained rules and social etiquette to follow.

CNUT's can often depend on you being civilized to make their ploys work. Like sending you a greetings card or gift just so you have to contact them with a 'thank you'  or saying "good night' because it would be rude to not reply right? They may have treated you like crap all day and then force you to be polite to them.

I pardon you. 

It really is very petty. My ex 'Tanya' got irritated if I didn't say, "bless you" after she sneezed. The ridiculousness of it was very apparent during her allergy attacks.

The CNUT puts us into an inferior position with this little trick.

Anger is also something that is not acceptable in society. We all have it but it's frowned upon using even if there is a very good reason for it.

A CNUT will try to get an angry reaction from you because they'll know that you'll feel guilty for getting angry and will probably take all the blame. The CNUT also gets to tell the world about your anger issues. You'll get red faced and defensive about it thus looking guilty.

Ever have a CNUT puff themselves up and get in your face? Perhaps they block a doorway or any means to escape them and you have to fight the urge to not push past them. Or they might follow you from room to room until they can corner you. They'd like nothing better than for you to touch them so they can cry victim.

When a CNUT feels threatened they will often do a preemptive strike. They project all their issues and whatever they are in fear of appearing as and call you it instead. They might even stalk you or talk crap behind your back. In their minds this is them defending themselves to preserve their status.

The poor me tactic. Look at how the world treats me. These people are incompetent or out to get me. Nothing is ever their fault. They can often get mystery illnesses that no test can verify. Or there will be a major health scare for them which also confuses their doctors ... according to what the CNUT says of course. 

Water is wet and CNUT's lie. Even when they don't have to lie they will.

They also deflect and if you accuse them of something the topic will very quickly be turned onto you doing the deed or something else, "No, You!"  Even things from decades ago and before you ever met your CNUT can be used as ammo. It might have been a mistake you once did and you have beaten yourself up about it for years.

Back when you were sharing your fears and insecurities you thought they'd be kept safe with a trusted person. No wonder you never talk anymore. I'm sure they accuse you of that one too. 

They also call you things you are not. If you constantly wear yourself down looking after others and do something for yourself for once you might get called 'selfish.'  They may also minimize or belittle your feelings and so you end up thinking that your opinion does not matter or that it isn't important.

To guard yourself from CNUT's the best way to talk to them is to never show them your feelings. The Grey Rock Method is to take on the attributes of a boring rock.
To be emotionless, never taking their bait. This method is for when you 'have' to speak to a CNUT, perhaps you have children together or work with them. When you take all the fun away from the CNUT you lose your appeal to them.

Boring, bland, single word responses and even agreeing with them instead of getting defensive.

If you have to say more then make sure they know that 'their' feelings are NOT your feelings. "I'm sorry you feel that way but that is not how I feel."   

CNUT's can be highly intelligent and humorous people. Make jokes and entertain them until you can get away. However if you are well into the discard stage then even your best witty remarks won't even get a smirk.

Always always remember this, you can never trust a CNUT. Don't fool yourself. If you live in the hope that they'll change well they will change, they'll get even more worse.

Someone that has lied to you for years won't suddenly become trustworthy. They have shown what little respect they have for you so take that on board and believe it. 

If you are still not sure if someone is manipulating you then think how you feel around this person. Perhaps you feel more anxiety than normal or smaller as if you are always in their shadow.

The mind lies to us all the time with our various defense mechanisms but the body never lies. Pay attention to how you feel.





 

Ego States

Eric Berne was a Canadian Psychiatrist that created  transactional analysis. While based on Freud's work if differed vastly.

He believed that by studying the social interactions of clients and looking at their upbringing he could help us discover the unconscious life script we all tend to follow.

We do not play zero sum games with complete winners and losers. Berne suggested that we all get a payout. Even those that would be considered losers get the payout of living in their damaging social roles where they keep themselves trapped.

We have all had some kind of experience of parenting. We might have had a loving set of parents, a single parent, mean abusive parents, absent parents, being raised in the system or raised by wolves. It all goes towards our life experience.

There are mature and immature parents. We can see the word mature with a meaning related to age but as you probably know, wisdom (and maturity) does not always come with age. 

Being mature means that you are willing to accept responsibility for your own life. It doesn't mean that you have to be uber serious and dull.

Berne set out three ego states:

The Parent:  we model ourselves on our parents.

The Child:  we resort back to or regress to a child like state.

The Adult:  our behavior is based on logic and learning from past experience.

Immature parents who are bossy and controlling may very well raise kids that go on to be your horrible boss. They learned that from their parents. Everyone sees their childhood as being their "normal" until they know better and even when they do know better they may still see other childhoods as being wrong.

Parents look after other people and have the 'I'm above you' and know best way of thinking to their kids and even to other adults. This is what the horrible boss or stubborn control freak will grow up to do. 

Some people raised in the system or by unloving parents often want for others what they have never had and go on to work for child charities or adopt or foster children. Their own emptiness motivates them rather than what their parents did or how they behaved.

I myself raised my children with what my own parents did not do as a model.

One given is: Our patterns of behavior are learned. They aren't set in stone. Remember Neuroplasticity? 

The child ego state has adults regressing to childlike behavior. You can see this in temper tantrums when they don't get their way, like not getting a promotion or their sports team or political candidate losing.  Even angry violence is quite childlike. 

I just watched a video of a Bernie Sanders supporter so full of butthurt that they actually voted for Trump out of spite against Hillary for being the democratic nominee. Sulking is something many children excel at. 

My ex "Tanya" would wear me down by repeatedly asking me the same question even after I had said "no!" Very much like a child that wants a toy in a shop. Eventually you just give in to shut them up. If they know it works then will just keep doing it. 

When someone that leans towards the child state gets talked down to they remember those times from their childhood and can often go into the nervous, fidgety deer in the headlights mode. 

The adult state is probably the best state to be in. It's a growth mindset of learning from 'evidence' or your experiences from past events. You use logic and commonsense. This ego state is the most mature.

It's out past that informs our present.

When you are tired and stressed, or in fight or flight mode, think about which state you tend to gravitate towards.

Inoculate Your Life

We all have or have had CNUT's in our lives. If we weren't secure within ourselves at the time then they probably tricked or used us. We look back on that time with the shame of falling for their tactics.

The only way a CNUT can destroy your life is if you allow them to have that power. It's difficult when they are the ones raising you from birth or those you have to work along side but if we continue to give them power over us they will continue to take it until they have it all.

There are ways to inoculate yourself from a CNUT and to not be a CNUT magnet.

If you go through life in fear, afraid that the next person you date might be a CNUT then the chances are that you'll attract a CNUT. 'That what you fear the most. Could meet you halfway.'

If a bitter resentful person gets involved in religion, they will probably use their scripture in a bitter and resentful way. Like relationships you get out what you bring to it.

Some people feel empty and need someone to complete them like the movies say they should or just don't know how to fill the void. Shouldn't you have a spouse, house, car and children by now? ... No! You should be secure in yourself and happy by now.

Don't give your power away to abusive partners, parents, co-workers, acquaintances and even children. You drop everything to help them but would they do the same for you? If they continue to show you that they wouldn't then you are nothing but a supply for them to feed off. 

No one else is responsible for your own happiness ... you are responsible for it. 

There was just something 'off ' about Ted, no one could put their finger on it.  

If like me when I go to make a purchase of something I don't know too much about I Google it or read reviews. 

You look at the star rating, read some comments and make sure you keep the receipt and warranty card if you buy it. It makes sense to do so. When you meet someone that could be a potential relationship why do you take their self-sales pitch at face value? 

You are so right, I understand and accept everything you say, I feel the same way.   

If we are lonely and empty at the core then a smile and the right words can boost our ego. Our heads maybe saying "slow down" but your heart is saying, "shut up stoopid head!"

A dinner with a CNUT wouldn't put you in danger of falling for their lies. Your needy emptiness will be the thing that puts you in danger. 

Meeting new people with the prospect of a relationship has to be taken slowly. If it's a one night fling or just a physical thing then make sure you both know the ground rules and enjoy. 

You get to know a person through dialogue ... be careful it doesn't turn into a monologue with you answering more questions in detail than you really should. 

Why would a new date want to hear about your past troubles? ... oh that's right, they want to know your vulnerabilities to not just use them against you but to trick and reassure you that they are different and would never treat you like that.   

A CNUT that opens up quickly in the relationship is grooming you as to the way they want you to behave. You wouldn't behave like my crazy abusive ex would you? 

When you are getting to know a potential love interest the best thing to do is NOT to have sex for a while. Sex creates a false intimacy and makes the truth harder to see. If they are the real deal they will stick around. 

Sex without feeling or connection feels a tad one sided. Some people will have sex to try to make the other person like them but it won't be a 'like' based in respect.  

CNUT's can play the savior or the one that needs saved. For people with almost zero empathy they can sure figure out what you need. 

Colin to the rescue! 

Is the target a bleeding heart that is looking for a wounded bird to save or do they see you as the white knight and oh you are so strong Colin. 

So many people are desperate for love that they talk themselves into seeing the other person as the person they want them to be. 

To really inoculate your life and to be safe from CNUT's you need to have boundaries to offset the lies you tell yourself and to bring you down to earth when things get hot and heavy. 

When I meet someone new I'll still maintain my current relationships and interests ... If you have to change then perhaps they are trying to make you into someone you are not. Also there is too much of the 'he's my man' or 'she's my woman' crap. You should not have the idea that you belong to someone else, even in a marriage. 

I will not go against my personal values to please a person ... my ex compromised me with her schemes. I didn't see that saying no was an option as these 'not always legit' ploys were often for the good of the family so I felt pressured. Yeah pretty lame huh. I was in deep like a cop in Training Day. 

I will not be involved with a deceitful person and will certainly not lend money to anyone I haven't known or trusted for years ... we do make excuses for them even when our inner voice is screaming at us. If someone you've only known for a year casually mentions their money problems, do not leap in to save them. They might be expecting that.  

I will not be involved with a married or otherwise unavailable person ...  People do get separated with the intent to divorce but rather than get burned and used it's best to yet again 'take things slowly' before blindly taking their word or sob story. Many people going through separation or divorce are not in a good place emotionally.  

I will not give my trust to someone that has not earned it ... as like the anti-virus software on your computer, your trust software needs to be maintained and updated. You don't just give trust and that's it forever. People and agendas change, they might not tell you. 

I will not be a part of a relationship where I am not treated with respect and will not tolerate abusive behavior of any kind ... sounds like a no brainer but yet we do accept abuse and disrespect. Not just screaming and yelling. You can get belittling, humiliation and even the silent treatment as forms of abuse.

If you are in a relationship that suddenly does a 180 and the soulmate of your life shows their true face then get out fast. Hopefully you have not set up a joint bank account and didn't move in with each other. 

Very often a CNUT will only really let their mask slip when you are both very intertwined. Trapped is another way to put it.  Perhaps you put them onto your bank account and gave your Internet passwords to demonstrate your trust in them and the seriousness of your commitment. 

Nicely played CNUT, all you had to do was compliment them now and then. You gave away nothing and got it all. 

Whatever boundaries you have in place will piss off a CNUT. You are telling them that you control what you want to happen to you, no one else can control it. 

The only thing anyone has any power to control is their own decisions and how they respond to things.       

When you say, 'no thanks' or 'wise the f**k up' defending your boundaries, you are controlling your own negative patterns of behavior such as self sabotage. 

A bad boy with a heart of gold ... so what is he out on parole for? Don't waste your time with these destructive relationships. Have your boundaries written out. These should be made out with a calm clear head. This is your trusted, sensible self. Not your horny tequila self. 

Do you really want to be lied to, treated like shit and cheated on? Who in their right mind would? 

You don't make a list for an ideal partner as being the biggest douchebag ever born. 

If someone belittles or scoffs at the boundaries you set then they are belittling and scoffing at you.  

All militaries of the world play these games in which they probe the enemies defenses without actually starting a war. That's what CNUT's will do with your boundaries. Why are you making a big deal about it, I was only kidding?  

Each little probe exposes a weakness as you question and second guess yourself, 'am I being too sensitive?' it's difficult to defend your boundaries if you don't know they are being violated. 

You deserve to have: 

Your own feelings and needs respected. To express feelings and opinions and not be held responsible for how others feel. 

Your own priorities, how you want to spend your time and with whom you want to spend it with. 

The right to change your mind and to say no.

The right to walk away from a relationship you deem harmful. 

You matter. Your boundaries matter. You don't have to answer to anyone or set out examples and provide proof when a CNUT demands it from you. 

Value yourself and your wants and needs but don't make your happiness be dependent on someone else. It's better to be alone than to feel you are alone with the wrong person.  

Options gives us empowerment. We might not like the option and it may be difficult to choose. When you are just existing, life happens to you. When you are truly living then you happen to life.  

I've Got My Mind Set On You

People are meaning making machines. They will either draw meaning from their failures in life or from their successes.

This can also be described as Mindset. Either a Fixed Mindset or a Growth Mindset.

The Fixed Mindset is the most troublesome. You can define yourself and abilities with labels and excuses while rationalizing that you are actually being aware of the reality of your limitations.

These limiting beliefs go on to create issues in your life as they set out patterns of behavior which is how most people end up going into therapy ...  they have a crisis of some sort brought on by the patterns of their limited beliefs.

A Fixed Mindset isn't a 100% negative thing. Many of the world's greatest successes have it. It's only negative when it impacts your life in a bad way.

Fixed Mindset people are too hard on themselves. If they fail at something straight away they may never do that thing ever again. Those Fixed Mindset people at the top of their game also have difficulties due to the pressure they feel. They feel obligated to be the best.

People with a Fixed Mindset will use labels as excuses to not try in case they fail.

CEO's with a Fixed Mindset will often take the safe easy no risk win in order to get the adulation they need to maintain the illusion of being the best. Probably why there are so many movie sequels.

The main problem with a Fixed Mindset is that when you realistically examine your abilities you are probably underestimating yourself and will not reach your full potential.

Some Fixed Mindset people may be classed as genius but don't adapt or change their skills and often blame others or the type of saw dust they use for their hands when they fail. 

The good news for Fixed Mindset people is that you don't have to be defined by your childhood or life experiences, you can be better.
Neuroplasticity, also known as Brain Plasticity. The ability the brain has to change throughout a person's life time.

Just by knowing there are two types of mindset and that you have the choice of how to think is empowering. 

'Jack grew up with emotionally distant parents that didn't value him or showed him any kind of affection.'

Jack can go onto to believe that he isn't deserving of it and will continue the cycle with his children. Jack's low self-esteem and Fixed Mindset that was forced upon him from birth was a strong factor in his life but what other people put onto him was underestimating him greatly. 

He decided he didn't want to damage a child the way he'd been damaged and so learned from his childhood and did the things his parents did not do. He developed a growth mindset without even knowing what he was doing. 

You can have a Fixed Mindset and a Growth Mindset at the same time. By knowing how you are thinking about certain things you can decide what Mindset you want to go with.  

People's thinking and belief system their core, is not set in stone. 

A Growth Mindset is merely being open to a different way of looking at things. Instead of goal related thinking it's the learning and experience that matters. You may not have won the game but you can be satisfied that you did your best and gained experience for the next time. 

It's a 'just glad to be a part of the team' or 'it's an honor to be nominated' way of thinking and to mean it.   

A world class tennis player that thinks he's the best because he's been  # 1 for four years should be looking at how to be better to someday in order be the best, not just the best because everyone says so. 

There are always others that put more effort into learning and growing, they knock the crown off the champion's huge head while he cries about the ball being on the line. 

Effort and learning builds character. Character can often win over skill if the person with the skill isn't in the right frame of mind. When the pressure to succeed gets too great they fold. 

Growth Mindset people don't draw meaning or value from their failures, a low test score or a bum note on their guitar means that they still have work to do and by being open to the challenge they can do better. 

They still get depression and anxiety but have a better chance of over coming it because they do not let it define who they are. 

       

Suicide Isn't Painless

A person said how they blamed themselves for the suicidal death of their CNUT. They did the usual 'I should have ____' and 'if only I had ____' which is understandable as that is a means to avoid the pain of the event.

Even the Foo Fighters did a song about Kurt Cobain called, 'I should have known.' You get to fill in your own blanks.

Cobain put a hatred of people (hurting him too much) and not feeling a passion for music as the main reasons to kill himself. He thought his wife and child would be happier without him.

Ian Curtis of Joy Division cited reaching his musical pinnacle for his suicide. He had affairs, an impending divorce, anxiety and epilepsy going on and was on the eve of a US tour.   

We look back with a term known as Hindsight Bias. Somehow, now that we know the outcome of events we somehow think that we could have or should have predicted them. If you didn't see it at the time then you probably weren't ready to see it.

People do have their own lives and problems to tend to. Then you get the drama queens that always seem to need attention and have been suicidal for the past 30 years. 

With hindsight we fool ourselves that we have control over lives with this extra after the fact insight but as you should know, control is an illusion. You can think of 14000605 futures and still miss something really obvious. Plot twist, you just don't know everything.

Look how long it took Phil Connors to get things right in Groundhog day.

By nature CNUT's are usually cowards. If they attempt to kill themselves then it's a show. If they do kill themselves then they messed up the show.

10% of suicides are a choice. It's THEIR choice and unless you are evil and constantly work on someone with low self-worth and talk them into it, you can't just make another person kill themselves.

90% of suicides are by people that have a diagnosed mental illness or have suffered a severe trauma.

It is not your fault, nor is it the Victim's fault. So many things probably came together to give this person the tunnel vision that made them think that suicide was the only viable option.

The world or their family being better off without them. Of course they don't consult their family and if they did they just would refuse to believe what they heard.

Was you not returning their text or phone call the last straw? Well in that case it could have been a bad hair day or a parking ticket instead. It could have been anything.

Their have been CNUT's that leave a note blaming someone that they had spent years trying to manipulate. The ultimate CNUT mind game. Lets give those dead losers a slow hand clap.

A CNUT won't think twice about destroying their children's lives if it means they win in some kind of twisted way. 

You can do things to help someone who is suicidal. Be there for them, give them understanding. Remove any guns from the home, put them in touch with a professional that can help.

Even if you did everything you could, if a person really wants to kill themselves they will do it.

People will assign themselves blame but it is misplaced. There is never one reason or one person to blame. You might as well blame yourself about the rain, that makes just as much sense.

    

   

Plato's Cave

There was once a community of people that lived imprisoned in a cave. For all their lives they sat chained up just staring at a blank cave wall.

The prisoners could not see what was behind them, just what was in front. Behind them was a walk way and a ledge with a fire. People would walk back and forth carrying objects that would cast shadows onto the blank cave wall.

The prisoners would see these flickering reflections of weird shapes and beasts, the voices of the people echoed off the walls and so the prisoners assumed the sounds came from the shadows.   

After years of this, one of the Prisoners 'Jeff' noticed his chains were loose. He wriggled and was soon free of them. Being the first time in his life not in chains he took a while to adjust then he eventually got the courage to look behind him.

He saw the fire and these CNUT's walking back and forth. Upon being noticed the CNUT's grabbed Jeff and threw him out of the cave.

Jeff was sure having a rough day. He could barely see as the sun was so bright but when his eyes grew accustomed to the light settled he saw trees, rivers, grass, sky and of course a Starbucks. He saw that people dressed differently and behaved differently so he endeavored to fit in and even set of a Twitter account gaining at least 214 followers. Not all of them bots and people with podcasts or trying to sell something either.

After a while of experiencing this new life he remembered his beginnings. He recalled all his friends chained up and looking at the wall. He could never go back to that meager existence, the Internet was after all full of free porn.

Jeff put on some beard oil, waxed his mustache and grabbed his man bag. He set off for the cave.

He carefully sneaked past the CNUT's and found the prisoners. He told them about the shadows and the fire, he told them about the wonders of the outside world such as bacon.

The prisoners who hadn't known any other life refused to believe him and called him insane. Being inside the cave again meant that Jeff had gone blind and unable to see in the near darkness. This led the prisoners to believe that being thrown out of the cave made you go blind and from that point on killed any CNUT that tried to banish them.

Jeff now run a vegan shoe shop in Oregon with his partner Starlight.

You may want to share your knowledge and experience with others but you have to understand that not everyone will be ready or at that point in their life to hear what you have to say.         

Also that there are CNUT's everywhere, even in caves.